Tell Him He's Dreaming.

Have you ever been asleep and smiled or laughed because you felt genuine happiness, elation. (and no i'm not talking about a dirty dream).
I have had this very comforting feeling a few times in my life. one of the 1st I can remember was when I was about 5 and I dreamt that my primary school was in danger and I saved this girl I had a crush on, (i harnessed my lady killer skills young), by flying her away from school in my cape etc. (undies over a spandex jumpsuit with a cape beats the bronte public primary school uniform. well it seemed that way then). Some have been when I have heard a song on my bedside radio. They are usually very random songs that somehow relate with a happy part of my memory.

A few songs that have triggered this sleep - euphoria;
Richard Marx : "Right Here Waiting" (yeah i just said that)
Paula Abdul & MC Skat Kat : "Opposites Attract"
Starship : "We Built This City"
Talk Talk : "It's My Life"
Icehouse : "Great Southern Land"
Friendly Fires : "Skeleton Boy"
(most all of that list i should keep to myself but this is a form of therapy after all)

...Where was I?...Oh yes...Divulging intimate details to the world.....

I have also dreamt that someone told me something or I saw something funny and I laughed in my dream, in turn I laughed and woke myself up.

Anyway my point is "Skeleton Boy" by the Friendly fires played quietly while I slept as my i - pod dock worked through the shuffled songs and I vividly saw myself playing drums to it.
This may sound super corny you might picture a poser saying they can play the drums and dream about pretending to play in a band.
Whoa! That was malicious.
Well I am annoyed with damn good reason.
I learned to play drums when I was 10, I went up to 4th grade in rock drumming and 3rd grade in classical drumming in the guild hall syllabus of music while at school in England and since then throughout my life I have always had it with me as a skill, I even played drums in the high school cadet pipe band for a year. (it was a scottish school, pipe band and kilts etc.)

Regardless I had this amazing dream the other night and I saw me playing drums to this song, I could feel the beat in every fiber of my body, I knew exactly how to play it and I could do it if I wasn't this way.
I still play but because my co - ordination is affected it sounds like a chicken running across hot tin roof.
I'm used to hopping behind a drum kit and creating a good sound just like some people find walking or riding a bike simple.

I woke up the next day and HAD to hear the song, part of me is bitter that I can't do some things like I used to but at least in my subconscious I am still the healthy young man that I only Know myself as. Fair enough is my physical body doesn't connect the dots like it should but I at least there are still places in my mind i can visit occasionally where all is well.


Everything starts with a dream.

Fallen Comrade. (gone but not forgotten)

Last night the Velasco family opened up their family home for a memorial which had some photo's, art, belongings & music on display.

I was chatting with some close friends about Beau obviously, he inspired many things. You may hear or see something and think "that's amazing". Beau Velasco was probably involved somewhere along the way, not for the monetary benefits but just for seeing another idea manifest.

Animated Yawn.

This is one of the many reasons where ourmatephil is good.
It is a place for me to verbally and literarily regurgitate, (like my punching bag), and it is also a good way for other people to read and see what’s going on in my life.

I used to play music, sing, skate, surf, write, do art, work, ride motoX, skim, drive my car, ride my bicycle or punch a punching bag etc to channel my energy before I became ill.
Now I just have the occasional meltdown and lay it out there on my blog, (which 3 or 4 people seem to read anyway), and push my feelings deep down inside, bottled up for the next ugly outburst.

An old colleague from Milan just e - mailed me, read my blog and sent me some encouraging words in broken English to uplift me. (so sweet)

I’m ok now, I just had another a moment.
Because I am choosing to fight a sometimes overwhelming feeling of depression without some band aid anti - depressants, I have frequent explosions that I'm guessing will be less frequent WHEN and IF I get used to this foreign person that I have become. It makes it hard when you absolutely hate everything about this new person.

I am just struggling with not doing some of the above activities regularly at my leisure at all.
It feels like not actively doing that consistently is claustrophobic.

Clouded Vision.

I am doing it rough at the moment.
Having gone through some really bad things over the years it has given me an unreadable shell. Until I explode.
I am human.
I woke up today as I have for the last few days and rolled out of my fold out sofa bed without making my bed.
May not seem like a major thing to some.

I have a cloud of “why bother” with me wherever I go and whatever I do, mostly I ignore it.
I know that absolutely EVERYTHING I do is hard and results in some things I do as near to normal or REALLY bad, I have a red hot go anyway, I love progress and learning and I realize I have to learn things all over again but the cloud of negativity is always present in my conscience telling me that what I am doing is pointless. (from breathing, swallowing to walking, talking and catching the bus)
I am not terminally ill but then again nothing is known about this STUPID affliction that has ruined every aspect of my life as I knew it.
I feel like I am powerless.
I AM powerless.
An incredibly lonely feeling.
If you are reading this and are thinking ‘get over it’, I feel the same way. I have had 32 years on this planet as a strong young man that has endured some very major things. I despise self pity. Negativity is a relentless downward spiral, therefore I believe that if I entertain it and make it feel it’s welcome in my life it will take me and consume me and grow.
An ever present cloud of “why bother” over me.
Like trying to constantly ignore a bully that is always there to let you know of your mistakes even if you haven’t made one.
Anyway it occasionally gets me down and right now is one of those moments.

The relevance with the unmade bed is that bed is the most sacred place for me, I can sleep and maybe wake up feeling like my strong, healthy normal self again.
My unmade bed reminds me that I couldn’t ‘be bothered’ right from when I woke and rolled out of bed.
This cloud never leaves. I wish it would.

Simple As That.

The 2nd installment of ‘simpleism'’, done during occupational therapy.
Primary colours dig?..

Happy 10th Birthday!

My son turns 10 today.

My friends at Element flowed a brand spanking new set up skateboard.

Thanks to my good friend and Element advocate Christian Halford www.elementskateboards.com for ruling!

Everyone vividly remembers their first skateboard. Mine was a yellow vinyl skateboard with red, low, wide urethane wheels, much like this one:





I saw it with my dad, it was neglected, on a shelf at the back of a 2nd hand shop and in need of an owner. I had never thought about how good it would feel just to roll, the freedom, the culture. I wanted it so bad, I went into serious hassle mode. (I had a pending birthday)
My hassling paid off and my parents gave it to me for my birthday.
Little did they know that simple gift would keep on giving and introduce an entirely different outlook on life.
It used to stick so well, I used to go as fast as I could, (in our back yard on a course i had made up, tight and impossible), from the back of the house, past the pool and as far as I could go until the concrete ran out until I came to a stop on the grass.
Just in shorts.
When I broke my elbow, (no skateboard involved), and my parents weren’t watching, I would do the same course, plaster cast on, no shoes, going as fast as I could, ignoring consequence. (a part of skating, of course if something did happen I would scream and wail)

Anyway….


Happy 10th birthday son!

I love you.

PAOW! That Just Happened!..

R.I.P. Beau Velasco

I have just heard that the world lost Beau Velasco.

A very talented young artist, musician, skater who moved to live in New York City who was far to young to leave us.
He influenced many lives in a positive way.

www.thedeathset.com

A particular moment that is stuck in my memory was seeing while I was walking to my business in Nobby’s,
we didn’t say anything to each other, just simple acknowledgment.

Beau rolling down the street on a skateboard, jeans, shoes, no shirt and he busted out a very clean 180 kickflip.

Everyone has things they will remember him by, that is mine.

Rest in peace Beau.


All our love and prayers for his family.

Singapore Slings.

I just got back from a family holiday in Singapore.
Although I am very broke now. (i was broke before but now i’m severely broke)

It was good because again I was in a totally different place surrounded by totally different people. Yes I stood out like sore thumb but I wasn’t surrounded by the things that I know aren’t the same for me.

I felt like I could blend in to the masses.
Like this nightmare was sort of tolerable. (but i still hate it)

I took my children for 10 days of their 2-week school holidays they had a ball.
I was there for the Formula 1 but didn’t go as it was so expensive. I love F1.
Our hotel was the Swissotel Stamford and was on the circuit, (it’s the tallest HOTEL in south east asia), I found a place near the pool where I could watch the race from and see part of track. (over half of the hotel rooms had views over the circuit but our room was looking the other way, i could hear them however)

Some highlights:


Barber Minami:

Going to an old skool barber for a cut and a shave with my son. Women have toenails and fingernails done, (so do men), my father used to take me to a barber for a haircut up until he wasn’t around or I just took myself. (many males will fondly remember going to the barber).
A lot of people who read this may think “whatever”, I very RARELY shave with a razor and I have NEVER experienced the long lost art of a face shave the traditional way, especially by someone else.
I have cut my sons hair thousands of times and also has my ex wife. (a qualified hairstylist too)
He hasn’t experienced an old skool barber so I asked around and was told about a Japanese barber in a shop off the beaten path in a shopping mall.

Men, (some ladies), if you are in Singapore and have the chance to go I would recommend it.

A dry shampoo, massage your scalp and neck, and a shave places on your face you never even knew you could shave and steam your face after. It will rejuvenate you.


Fatty’s:

Fatty’s may not look amazing but most of the quanta’s crew that have been there or heard of it will give you the eyes glazed over and a knowing smile in response. The food is simple, quick and delicious.
The chicken clay pot and pepper beef is Yum.


The Singapore Zoo, Night safari:

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!
(sorry i had too)
Definitely a must do even if you don’t have kids.


Orchid’s:

You have be living under a rock not to notice these beautiful plants and how much they thrive in Singapore.


Formula I:

Not everyone’s cup of tea. It is a very unique circuit, on city streets, at night under lights. (watch and learn melbourne)
But the noise, smell and atmosphere are infectious.
The Black Eyed Peas and No Doubt played at a series of events called F1 Rocks.
Several musicians, drivers + entourage and celebrities would hang by the pool on their downtime.



Swissotel The Stamford:

Singapore is a hub for travelers normally but is definitely worth either a decent stopover or a destination stay.
I didn’t get a kick back or anything for this, I am recommending the Stamford because it’s a good hotel, the staff nice, the facilities up to date + not tired looking and the service very good.
Simple.


I arrived home and I cant help but feel I have the sickly feeling I used to get as a kid at the end of a Sunday when I had a great weekend and I knew it was back to school in the morning.

Photo's.

Just funny. My former business partners 29th. (a bad taste party, me on the left)



An art show called "I Used to Skate Once" that I had a piece on display at before I got sick in 2007.



My last musical project before I became ill. (starchild). I really miss the freedom and release of playing drums and singing, unfortunately my co-ordination was affected severely and my speech is very slow and monotone, I have totally lost all ability to do either. It' SO frustrating to not do what is easy, beneficial and therapeutic.



My good friend Claudio's 30th. (that stereo cost $7 and lives in the bathroom, it has served me very well). (bobby brown lives in the tape player)